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A confession from a people pleaser

It has been a really good day at work today. But a really good question came to my mind – why do I feel bad when I don’t do as others want me to? I always feel guilty when I have to turn someone down or say no. But why?

I talked about this with a co-worker today and she said to me that concidering all the negative things I have been through in my life, I should definitely start valuing myself and my needs more than what others say, think, want or do. She is so right.

Logically I know I have to listen to how I feel and what I want – and I do, some of the times, but not often enough. I am sick and tired of feeling guilty when I have to say no.

We are all equal beings, my desires, wishes and needs are just as important as anyone else’s. I will no longer satisfy the needs of those around at the cost of my own wellbeing. I will respect and value my opinion and I will honor my desires as well – I will say no when it feels off to me and I no longer take responsibility for other people’s happiness or sadness. No more. It is not my job – how you feel is your job. How I feel is my job. I will take better care of myself from now on.

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49 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sparky
    May 06, 2019 @ 12:46:55

    So true. You can’t please everyone. There will always be haters & naysayers. Ignore them

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  2. zalstin
    May 06, 2019 @ 13:10:49

    When I feel guilty for saying no it’s not really guilt so much as anxiety about how others will react to me for saying no. Anxiety can be a way of trying to predict possible bad outcomes. For me the key is to remember that I can always deal with other people’s reactions, but my own anxiety will wear me down πŸ˜“

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  3. Marty
    May 06, 2019 @ 13:38:04

    Codependency
    Our need for approval from others overshadows our own needs

    One of the causes is our childhood neglect or abuse

    It is hard for us to say no and not feel guilt

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • joypassiondesire
      May 06, 2019 @ 14:26:07

      100% correct. Perfectly stated. Never too late to begin working on it though.

      Like

      Reply

      • Marty
        May 06, 2019 @ 14:49:24

        It is not a life sentence
        PTSD or complex PTSD is also not a life sentence

        Here is a therapist who specializes in codependency

        https://boundariesofthesoul.com

        I have found his wisdom helpful

        Liked by 1 person

      • joypassiondesire
        May 06, 2019 @ 15:01:39

        Thank you for your kindness. I started going to a therapist last year, after I was abused. I went to her twice a week for over 5 months, but now she has been away from work for 3 months but I have asked my boss to help me get a new therapist to help me cope with my thoughts and feelings about everything. πŸ™

        Like

      • Marty
        May 06, 2019 @ 15:30:26

        Finding a good therapist is a challenge

        When I started, clueless was my skill level. I would not of known a good from a non effective therapist

        A therapist who uses a mindfulness based therapy such as acceptance and commitment or dialectic behavioral therapy in my opinion work quicker and allows you to practice your recovery at home. This did wonders for me.

        Be aware of your people pleasing toward your therapist. We want to please them which may hinder your healing.

        Codependency does not take a break

        Liked by 1 person

      • joypassiondesire
        May 06, 2019 @ 16:26:56

        It sure does not take a break indeed πŸ™‚

        Like

      • Marty
        May 06, 2019 @ 15:34:21

        If I may

        Those thoughts and feelings about everything are a mirage. They are powerless, like air if we let them go, discount them and bring awareness that it is trauma from the past being activated

        My thoughts and feelings fired my fight or flight mechanism 20times a day. It went off when it felt like it without any input by me

        Feels like life is out of our control does it not

        You are on the path and have taken action

        Exercise specifically aerobic exercise helps our bodies and minds also

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ron
        May 06, 2019 @ 15:44:02

        Thoughts andfeelings are not a mirage.Β  These arewords and events that come to us in the past. They sit in images in our mind todestroy life within us. Thoughts; I could tell someone that they arestupid.Β  It conveys an image in the minda feeling in the mind of the recipient of my tirade. Β Or I create life in the person’s mind sometimesby simply saying, β€œWho the hell told you that”?

        Liked by 1 person

      • Marty
        May 06, 2019 @ 16:26:13

        Ron
        Experience

        Trauma memories are stored in the right amygdala, a side we can not access consciously

        We have 60,000 thoughts a day that pass our way. Are all of those thoughts accurate Ron

        That’s one a second or 60 thoughts since you read my reply.

        Some of these thoughts are highly emotional and negative.

        Some are unworthy thoughts generated by our created Ego.

        Think they are real and have power.
        Monks who meditate and have achieved a different space let all 60,000 go and are happy

        If you believe your thoughts you will be controlled by them and others.

        If your codependent you will suffer

        Liked by 1 person

      • joypassiondesire
        May 06, 2019 @ 16:43:33

        I agree completely πŸ™πŸŒ±

        Like

      • joypassiondesire
        May 06, 2019 @ 16:26:20

        πŸ™ Thank you for sharing your thoughts

        Like

  4. John Harrell
    May 06, 2019 @ 13:42:25

    Nice piece. You are not responsible for the emotions of others. Do your best, always, and recognize you are good enough. Keep writing…

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  5. Ron
    May 06, 2019 @ 14:43:43

    When you serve others you will always second guess yourself. We are equal in one sense but different in other respects. No one person has the same talents. No person has the same fingerprints no two are alike.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  6. Marty
    May 06, 2019 @ 17:08:27

    β€œI will say no when it feels off to me and I no longer take responsibility for other people’s happiness or sadness. No more. It is not my job – how you feel is your job. How I feel is my job. I will take better care of myself from now on. β€œ

    This also applies to our own negative thoughts. Why hold others to a standard we do not apply to our own destructive thoughts

    I healed by accepting the mirage of my intrusive thoughts. I healed by staying present and not engaging these thoughts

    If you give your thoughts attention, that powers them
    They grow inside our head

    Edward Bourne: self-talk;
    *
    β€œIt is so automatic and subtle you don’t notice it or the effect it has on your moods and feelings.
    *
    It appears in telegraphic form- one short word or image (”Oh no!) contains a whole series of thoughts, memories, or associations.”
    *

    This shape our self image
    And influences our ability to let go of thoughts

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  7. Ancient Skies
    May 06, 2019 @ 17:09:32

    Powerful words! You seem to be on a great road, a healing road.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  8. faithfound2019
    May 07, 2019 @ 05:37:44

    I’m so proud of your decision!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  9. ShawnaB
    May 09, 2019 @ 02:05:38

    I’m absolutely a people pleaser too! It’s a hard habit to break!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  10. sunilmdabral
    May 10, 2019 @ 17:54:04

    You have a problem. You are cursed with a good heart.πŸ˜”

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  11. Jonathan Caswell
    May 21, 2019 @ 17:32:38

    Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:
    YOU BETTER—ME, TOO!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  12. Jonathan Caswell
    May 21, 2019 @ 17:34:21

    I hear you—-I’ve been in the same boat for years—-bur with God’s loving assistance, am getting better!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  13. Elevated Living
    May 25, 2019 @ 18:56:10

    I can completely relate. Like you, I’ve been a people pleaser; feels like all of my life. It’s a hard way of life to let go of, because you’ve learned, pleasing others helps you feel like you have purpose. When you’re not pleasing others and doing what you think is right for you, it’s almost as if you feel you need validation from others to do something that brings you joy.
    The only problem with that is, it’s going to be a revolving door of a lot of self talks, feeling bad because you’re more focused on what others think about you. Rather than how you feel about yourself.
    Do yourself a favor, go to a therapist if you can afford it. It’s something I’m finally able to do.
    Thank you for sharing this post. It shows me and other people like us they’re not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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