Advertisements

The fear I felt froze every inch of my body, but you didn’t even hesitate

I cared about you and yet you took my kindness and my trust and shattered it into millions of pieces.

Your arms and hands were so strong, I didn’t have a chance. The pain and all the bruises you left on my body were nothing compared to the utter powerlessness I felt when tried to pull your hands away from my body, when I looked into your eyes and I begged you to stop, when I said no and you just put your cold hand firmly over my mouth… Then you did exactly what I feared you would do.

My body froze and my heart was beating so loud. The fear I felt froze every inch of my body. But you didn’t even hesitate.

I can forgive everything and I don’t want to hurt you back – I just want to get away from that suffocating powerless feeling that haunts me every second of every fucking moment of every fucking day. The feeling that no matter how much I tried to get you to stop, you didn’t. You crushed my most sacred boundary.

Advertisements

Who hurt you so immensely that the joy in your eyes vanished and the love in your heart died?

How come when you smile, there is such pain in your eyes? How come your eyes tell another story than your calm voice?

What was it that made your heart so empty, your body so cold and your mind so dark? Who hurt you so immensely that the joy in your eyes vanished and the love in your heart died?

I accept the pain, I make peace with it and I choose to fill my heart, my mind and my body with love once again πŸ™

I will no longer let the pain cloud my vision

I will no longer let my dissatisfaction sadden my heart

I will no longer let my raging insecurity roam free

I choose to accept where I have been, what has happened and where I am right now. I accept it and I make peace with it.

I choose to let kindness, hope and trust sooth me and I choose to fill my heart, my mind and my body with love once again.

My shattered heart will mend and my restless soul will find peace

The tears I have cried and the pain I have felt have shattered my heart and left my soul restless.

These scars are only temporary though, my heart will mend and my soul will find peace.

No matter what happens, you cannot break me, only bend me temporarily. I will rise stronger each time. My pain and insecurity will be my solid foundation on which I rebuild my strenght.

Time heals all wounds? No, YOU heal all wounds πŸ™

No, it doesn’t get easier with time – it is you who get stronger. Time will pass, nevertheless, but the getting stronger part is up to you.

This pain cuts through my heart like a blinding flash of lightning

Let me wallow in my sadness,

Let me get lost in my despair

All this pain that cuts through my heart like a blinding flash of lightning,

All this havoc in my mind like a twirling tornado

And yet faith shines eternally within me and I know that when the raging storm passes, my ocean will be calm again

A really nice Friday – it is not the day but the place that makes the difference πŸ™

Today is Friday and I am at home with my babies and my boyfriend. It made me realize something valuable – it is not Fridays that make me feel uneasy, it is the place and the setting on Fridays that make me feel uneasy. Every Friday for the past 9 months when I have been at work, I have cried, broken down and felt really uneasy. Just being inside the school building has made my heart beat faster and I have felt really unsafe.

Yesterday was Ascention day and it is a holiday here in Sweden so I have been at home yesterday and today. This morning it just dawned on me, today is the first Friday where I feel really good, I feel happy, safe, secure and at peace.

So it is not Fridays but the place and setting on Fridays that make the difference. This is great news indeed, now I feel more hopeful about my progress. I don’t even have to be at work on Fridays anymore, until I go back to work in the end of August again – so now I have alot of time to relax and build up my inner strenght even further.

When sadness fills your heart with darkness πŸ™

Just go slower. It is ok. This too shall pass. Sooth yourself in any way you can. When sadness fills your heart with darkness, keep breathing and new life will clear the darkness away. πŸ™

I no longer fear those awful Friday feelings – I embrace my insecurities

It is Thursday evening and I am already feeling uneasy about tomorrow. It is so silly really, I know no one will hurt me again, yet I get so uneasy simply because it is a Friday. My co-workers all leave early so after 12 o’clock I am the only teacher left in our hallway, as always.

I don’t know how to get passed these uneasy Friday feelings, other than just accepting them. I feel uneasy, worried and anxious about beeing at work tomorrow – and that is ok. I will no longer try to distract myself or ignore my feelings, I will do as I did last Friday: I will embrace my insecurities. I choose to feel these uneasy emotions and go to work, anyway. I will have my lessons, I will help my students and I will get through the 6 hours I have to be in the school building.

Then I will go home and later I will meet a friend in JΓΆnkΓΆping. It is going to be a nice Friday. πŸ™

  • Do you have something that makes you uneasy? Can you think of a way to help yourself embrace how you feel and get through it?

No more tears – kick ass this Friday πŸ˜Š

I just woke up and it is Friday. I felt the uneasy feelings begin yesterday and right now I can feel insecurity and worry tremble within my body. A part of me wants to stay at home all day where it is safe and secure. But I know I have to face my insecurities again and again until they fade away and that is ok because it is part of the journey.

Before all this happened I used to love Fridays and I was always extra happy on those days – I intend to return to that. I am going to make peace with how I feel right now. I am going to focus on things I do like about today and remind myself that I am stronger than this. I am stronger because of this. I didn’t die. He didn’t break me, I have not lost my faith in the goodness in people. I forgive him, and I thank myself for getting through this. No matter how alone I was in this, I had my own support and I will continue to be here for me for as long as I shall live. No matter what happens.

There will be no tears this Friday, I will no longer pull away from my flashbacks – I will make peace with them and let them pass through my mind as just that – mere flashbacks. What ever comes my way – I will handle it. I am strong. I am forgiving. I believe in the goodness in all people. πŸ™ Now I will get up and kick some ass this Friday (mentally πŸ˜‚).

Previous Older Entries

Follow joypassiondesire on WordPress.com

Archives

%d bloggers like this: