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Once a bad guy always a bad guy? No 🌹 – he has a good heart and a kind soul

Ok this evening something happened that made me think a little. My ex, the one I moved in with when I was 17 who hit me a lot and hurt me physically and mentally for 1 1/2 years before he went to prison for what he did to me, started following me on instagram tonight. It felt weird.

I blocked him on Facebook many years ago after he sent a friend request… and I have not thought that much about him since… until two days ago when we were in Jönköping. He walked passed us when we were out shopping in Jönköping. I never even thought he would look me up and follow me on instagram though.

As I told my boyfriend about this he got really upset and said it was not ok and that I should block him immediately. But I didnt at first. Somehow I feel like I am tired of running away from my past. This was a guy I fell in love with when I was 17. A guy I lived with for 1 1/2 years. A guy who I know has a good heart and a kind soul who has been through a lot of horrible things as a child. I don’t blame him at all for how things played out when I was with him… 18 years ago. I was a completely different person back then, I had no self-esteem and I was so incredibly insecure. Of course we were a perfect match back then and our insecurities and trauma brought out the worst in us. But I don’t blame him – the fault is mine just as well.

We had our experiences together and I feel nothing but appreciation for the lessons it taught me. I want peace. I want relief. I want to let go and lovingly move on. I want to say I am sorry for everything, I want to say thank you for the experiences and the lessons and the growth I have been gifted with since this time. Thank you and I wish you nothing but peace, love and happiness in all aspects of your life. 🌹

But, after giving it some thought I decided to block him anyway. He might have good intentions and all that but for me it feels like relief to not have him following me at all.

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The one thing that made me feel relief when my mother died ❤

Sometimes it just seems unfair. Today I got to know that a person that I have know for many years is going to die sometime in June/July/August. Not much time life. Why?

I remember feeling the same cold, dark quietness within me when I was 18 years old, in May 2002, when a doctor told us my mother had only a few months left to live. There was nothing they could do back then either. It was cancer then too. Why? My mom died in September that year, on 11/9 2002. 4 months after we had spoken to the doctor.

When she had died I remember feeling chocked that the world around us just kept on living, that life just kept moving forward – as if her life ment nothing. I remember how painful it was for me, how many burning tears of despair I wept… the endless black hole within me. The difficulty to breathe at night, when it was dark. The anxiety and death wish I began to feel.

I remember driving home to my parents house, spending the night going through old photographs of my mother… going through her closet to find something that I could take home with me and keep as a reminder. But nothing helped until one night, shortly after. I dreamt a very strong dream. I dreamt that I went back to my parents house again, that I went into a specific room, looked up to my right at a specific spot on a shelf, that I took down a magazine holder there and pulled something out if it. Then I woke up.

The dream was incredibly intense, felt incredibly real and was incredibly clear and detailed. As I woke up I felt I HAD TO GO AND DO WHAT I HAD DONE IN THAT DREAM. And so I did.

I went to my parents house again, went into that specific room, looked up to my right on the shelf, saw a magazine holder right where I had looked in my dream. Took it down, looked inside it and found my mom’s journal from the year when her father died (when she was in her early twenties). In it she had written exactly how she felt when her father had died and how she made herself feel relief about it.

Now THAT was an incredible experience that made me feel so much relief about my mother’s death. There is absolutely no way that I would ever have gone in to that room and looked in that magazine holder if I had not dreamt that dream. No way. I had no idea she had kept a journal from that year – she had never ever mentioned it or anything about her father’s death either. I found this simply because of my dream. I knew some how that it was a message from my mother, and that belief gave me relief.

Death cannot be meaningless, death cannot be a sentence, death cannot be a punishment – death cannot be the end.

I have come to believe that death is just a shift of perspective. Yes, you leave your body but who you really are continues to live and shine brighter than ever. I have no evidence, no facts, no stories told by dead people… just my belief. It gives me comfort, it gives me relief and it makes me feel better about my parent’s deaths, my student’s death, my friends’ deaths and everyone else’s death as well, including my own.

So yes, I felt that same dark, empty quietness within me when I heard the news today, but I also feel there is meaning in life as well as in death. There is no end, only a change of perspective. He will forever live on, this is just a transition. His pain will end and this movie called his life here on earth at this time will end too, but it is not the end of who he really is. ❤

Profound – it is never what they think about you that causes your discord

People will hate you, people will love you. How they feel about you and what they think about you need never ever affect you. They cannot cause you to feel anything, only YOU can. What YOU choose to think about what they think, say and do is what causes YOU to FEEL good or bad.

Stop using them, their words, action and thoughts as YOUR EXCUSE to feel this way or that way! Take YOUR POWER BACK by realising YOU are the only one in control of how you feel because YOU are the only thinker in your mind and what you CHOOSE TO THINK will affect not only how you feel but everything that happens to you. That is how powerful YOU are.

When you feel utterly pissed off

You can turn your anger into positive energy! Use the rush of energy to refocus on something that matters more to you.

Don’t let his behaviour be your reason to beat up on yourself – allow him to be as he chooses to be. Focus your energy on yourself, what you desire and how you want to feel.

Anger is good! Anger means you have a strong desire about something and you are currently looking in opposition of how you want it to be. Use this opportunity to refocus and let the anger wash away by replacing it with clear focus.

Addiction – the true cause?

Rise up! You are not a victim – claim your own power!

No matter what people have said about you and to you – their hurtful words only reflect their own inner resistance. Don’t buy into THEIR lackful thinking – walk away and choose a more allowing perspective.

Look at them through the knowledge that everyone does the best they can given their own understanding of life at that time. Let them be and put all your loving energy on being loving, caring and uplifting to yourself. 

When you feel strong, stable and secure in your own self love – other people’s opinions will feel just like a gentle wind blowing by. Nothing that affects you.

Today’s children

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