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When the uneasy feelings take over

This was supposed to be my last week at work before my summer break, however, since my babies have had chicken pox they are not allowed to come back to the day care center yet… so that means my summer break has officially begun now. I have been looking forward to getting away from the school building for quite some time now, so I should be relieved. But I am not. I am very uncomfortable and uneasy. My thoughts are constantly focused on what happened 9 months ago and especially on what will happen next year when this man who hurt me will be released from prison.

I keep telling myself that he will never dare to hurt me again, but I feel so uneasy about it. Every day that passes is a day closer to his release date. What if he has not given up his thoughts about me, what if he wants revenge? I couldn’t stop him last time, so how will I be able to stop him if he tries to hurt me again? This scares me so much. I just want to run away from this town, move far far away and never ever return. But do I really want to hide all my life? No. I will stay here, I will keep working at my job that I feel so passionate about. I will continue to live in my house and raise my children in this town. He cannot take that away from me. Yes, I am afraid butΒ it will not prevent me from living my life in ways that call me.

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From raging insecurities to strong empowerment πŸŒΌ

“(…) Can you hear the whispers all across the room?
You feel her eyes all over you like cheap perfume
You’re beautiful, but misunderstood
So why you tryna be just like the neighborhood?
I can see it, I know what you’re feelin’
So let me tell you ’bout my little secret
I’m a little crazy underneath this
Underneath this
Do you ever feel like a misfit?
Everything inside you is dark and twisted
Oh, but it’s okay to be different
‘Cause baby, so am I (So am I, so am I, so am I)
Do you ever feel like an outcast?
You don’t have to fit into the format
Oh, but it’s okay to be different
‘Cause baby, so am I (So am I, so am I, so am I-I-I-I-I) (…) “

Ava Max,” So am I”

No matter what you look like, what body type you have or what clothes you have – people will look at you and some will judge you. There will always be those who love the way you look and those who completely disapprove of everything that you are. Let them think as they choose to.

The beautiful part about life is when you finally give up trying to please everyone else, when you finally shake loose from caring about their disapproval or approval. There is so much freedom and empowerment to be felt when you start giving yourself the love and approval you previously tried to get from other people and external things.

It is a process. It takes time. I began working on this 12 years ago, when I was 24. I have come such a long way, I went from having no self esteem what so ever, from feeling like a helpless victim and feeling I had to please everyone around me in order to deserve to be liked a little – I went from all that to really liking myself, inside and outside no matter what other people think of me. I began to appreciate life, to appreciate all experiences – especially the bad ones because they helped inspire me to now become stronger.

I would not even be the happy, confident and empowered woman I am today without every single bad thing that ever happened to me. So I am grateful, for all of it. My entire way of viewing life is 100% different from how I viewed life 12 years ago. If I can change all these limiting insecurities, anyone can.

And no, the external things didn’t change before I felt better. I still look exactly the same way as I did before, I have the same job, the same relationship, I have still gone through all those awful things in my life that left me on the brink of despair – and I have since then gone through even more negative experiences in all aspects of my life. And yet here I am, happier and stronger than ever. Loving life, loving my body and feeling appreciation for every step along my way. Feeling appreciation for every rascal that ever hurt me because I am who I am today because of it all. It is an endless journey that I intend to enjoy. πŸ™

If we have kindness, love and respect in our hearts, we contribute to the healing πŸ™

Everyone has a story, many even have a painful past that still haunts them daily. Treat everyone you meet with kindness and respect. You cannot possibly understand why they act as they do because you have not lived through their experiences nor felt their pain.

We all find our own ways of dealing with what we have been through, and if we have kindness, love and respect in our hearts when we interact with others, we contribute to the healing. πŸ™

You can leave my body bruised and battered, you can even shatter my trust and faith in humanity – love will still prevail πŸ™

You can take my heart and break it, you can hurt me and leave my body body bruised and battered – you can even shatter my trust and faith in humanity – it will only be temporary. My kindness and my strenght, my trust and my love will always increase eternally.

No matter what happens, I see no reason to hate, to condemn or to fear because I do not judge to begin with. I trust there is goodness within everyone, and if you find it in your heart to feel better, you will treat other people better as well.

No matter what happens, I will always believe in the goodness in everyone πŸ™

If you thought you could break me, you were wrong. I have been through worse, I am resilient and my strenght has increased because of you.

If you thought I would give up and hide, you were wrong. I stand here on a solid foundation, shining my bright light in all the beautiful colors I desire to.

If you thought I would forgive you, you were right. I still believe in the goodness in everyone, I am still the kind, caring woman I have always been. I still follow my bliss and I will always enjoy life in ways that please me.

The fear I felt froze every inch of my body, but you didn’t even hesitate

I cared about you and yet you took my kindness and my trust and shattered it into millions of pieces.

Your arms and hands were so strong, I didn’t have a chance. The pain and all the bruises you left on my body were nothing compared to the utter powerlessness I felt when tried to pull your hands away from my body, when I looked into your eyes and I begged you to stop, when I said no and you just put your cold hand firmly over my mouth… Then you did exactly what I feared you would do.

My body froze and my heart was beating so loud. The fear I felt froze every inch of my body. But you didn’t even hesitate.

I can forgive everything and I don’t want to hurt you back – I just want to get away from that suffocating powerless feeling that haunts me every second of every fucking moment of every fucking day. The feeling that no matter how much I tried to get you to stop, you didn’t. You crushed my most sacred boundary.

Turn your pain into your strenght πŸŒ±

Take your pain and turn it into something beautiful. Express yourself in ways that call you, create beauty out of your suffering and show the world that there is value and benefit with everything that happens. Turn your pain into your strenght.

Time heals all wounds? No, YOU heal all wounds πŸ™

No, it doesn’t get easier with time – it is you who get stronger. Time will pass, nevertheless, but the getting stronger part is up to you.

A really nice Friday – it is not the day but the place that makes the difference πŸ™

Today is Friday and I am at home with my babies and my boyfriend. It made me realize something valuable – it is not Fridays that make me feel uneasy, it is the place and the setting on Fridays that make me feel uneasy. Every Friday for the past 9 months when I have been at work, I have cried, broken down and felt really uneasy. Just being inside the school building has made my heart beat faster and I have felt really unsafe.

Yesterday was Ascention day and it is a holiday here in Sweden so I have been at home yesterday and today. This morning it just dawned on me, today is the first Friday where I feel really good, I feel happy, safe, secure and at peace.

So it is not Fridays but the place and setting on Fridays that make the difference. This is great news indeed, now I feel more hopeful about my progress. I don’t even have to be at work on Fridays anymore, until I go back to work in the end of August again – so now I have alot of time to relax and build up my inner strenght even further.

My voice will no longer tremble when I speak your name

Your desire for more was so intense, you just had to do it. You didn’t listen to me when I begged you to stop, my “no” was silenced by your strong hands.

You wanted more, you wanted it all and you tried to break me to get it and you tried to silence my voice.

My voice will no longer tremble when I speak your name. I am stronger than this – I forgive you and I set myself free. Free to enjoy life again, free to love my body again and free to believe in the goodness in everyone. Including you.

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