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Love all that you are and appreciate everything you have been through πŸ’–

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Your past made you who you are today but your NOW is even more valuable πŸ’–

Your past is of value because it made you who you are today. But your NOW is even more valuable because you can choose to NOW let go of all hurt, all pain and all feelings of being a victim, you can let go of all guilt, all blame, all resentment and all insecurity and begin to replace those emotions and thoughts with hope, optimism, self-love, kindness, respect and appreciation.

NOW is the only time when you can change. No one else can do it for you, only you. Choose to let the success stories of others inspire you, and begin right now. One small though at a time, be gente, kind and loving toward yourself in the process.

The sun shines brighter after a dark storm – never give up πŸ’–

The most beautiful curve on your body is your smile

Today was not a good day. I tried to make myself feel better in all ways I could think of but nothing worked. I changed clothes all the time but nothing made me feel better πŸ˜‚. I ended up wearing this beautiful, sexy, green dress tonight. One of my favourite dresses.

Anyway, I wish for a better tomorrow. I hope you had a good day. ❀

Going through all that shit made me the beautiful, hard, shining diamond I am today β€

In the end, it doesn’t even matter

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn’t even matter

Linking Park

The one thing that made me feel relief when my mother died β€

Sometimes it just seems unfair. Today I got to know that a person that I have know for many years is going to die sometime in June/July/August. Not much time life. Why?

I remember feeling the same cold, dark quietness within me when I was 18 years old, in May 2002, when a doctor told us my mother had only a few months left to live. There was nothing they could do back then either. It was cancer then too. Why? My mom died in September that year, on 11/9 2002. 4 months after we had spoken to the doctor.

When she had died I remember feeling chocked that the world around us just kept on living, that life just kept moving forward – as if her life ment nothing. I remember how painful it was for me, how many burning tears of despair I wept… the endless black hole within me. The difficulty to breathe at night, when it was dark. The anxiety and death wish I began to feel.

I remember driving home to my parents house, spending the night going through old photographs of my mother… going through her closet to find something that I could take home with me and keep as a reminder. But nothing helped until one night, shortly after. I dreamt a very strong dream. I dreamt that I went back to my parents house again, that I went into a specific room, looked up to my right at a specific spot on a shelf, that I took down a magazine holder there and pulled something out if it. Then I woke up.

The dream was incredibly intense, felt incredibly real and was incredibly clear and detailed. As I woke up I felt I HAD TO GO AND DO WHAT I HAD DONE IN THAT DREAM. And so I did.

I went to my parents house again, went into that specific room, looked up to my right on the shelf, saw a magazine holder right where I had looked in my dream. Took it down, looked inside it and found my mom’s journal from the year when her father died (when she was in her early twenties). In it she had written exactly how she felt when her father had died and how she made herself feel relief about it.

Now THAT was an incredible experience that made me feel so much relief about my mother’s death. There is absolutely no way that I would ever have gone in to that room and looked in that magazine holder if I had not dreamt that dream. No way. I had no idea she had kept a journal from that year – she had never ever mentioned it or anything about her father’s death either. I found this simply because of my dream. I knew some how that it was a message from my mother, and that belief gave me relief.

Death cannot be meaningless, death cannot be a sentence, death cannot be a punishment – death cannot be the end.

I have come to believe that death is just a shift of perspective. Yes, you leave your body but who you really are continues to live and shine brighter than ever. I have no evidence, no facts, no stories told by dead people… just my belief. It gives me comfort, it gives me relief and it makes me feel better about my parent’s deaths, my student’s death, my friends’ deaths and everyone else’s death as well, including my own.

So yes, I felt that same dark, empty quietness within me when I heard the news today, but I also feel there is meaning in life as well as in death. There is no end, only a change of perspective. He will forever live on, this is just a transition. His pain will end and this movie called his life here on earth at this time will end too, but it is not the end of who he really is. ❀

🌟 Nothing hightens your potential for success as much as failure πŸŒŸ

You are a diamond in the making, don’t give up! All these negative experiences can actually be blessings in disguise! Nothing hightens your potential for success as much as failure – nothing hightens your potential for happiness as much as sadness. It is all valuable. ❀

Being nice and polite is not always right – a painful childhood memory

This is something I have never written about before, and only a few people know about this. When I was around 7 years old I loved taking my teddy bear (actually a panda) out for a walk in my red toy-stroller. My parents allowed me to walk around the block alone, which only took 5-10 minutes. One cold but sunny day when I was out doing this, all alone, a foreign man approached me. I guess he was around 45-50 years old, dark hair and tall. It all happened so quickly. He gestured toward me that he wanted me to come to him, and I wanted to be polite so I obeyed. When I was close to him everything about him changed, he quickly placed his hands on either side of my face and forced my face close to his and kissed me. I still remember his tongue pressing into my mouth and the strong minty flavour of his mouth. I panicked, I was trapped and I didn’t know what to do. No one was around, no one saw us. His car was just a few meters away and he grabbed my hand saing “come” and gently tried to pull me to his car. Somehow I managed to get my hand back, shook my head no and began walking very quickly in the direction of my home. He called after me, as I turned my head to look at him, he gave me a blow kiss in the air and he still gestured that he wanted me to come back to him. I soon began running and tears were streaming down my face. I told my mother what happened the minute I got home and she rushed out to our car and went to find this man. She never did. She went to the police but they never found him either.

In this situation I tried to be nice and polite. I stopped when he approached me and wanted to talk to me. I didn’t scream, kick or bite – I was too chocked and afraid to do anything.

🌹🌹🌹 🌹🌹🌹

The event that happened tonight with the old man who has begun stalking me and who approached me in an uncomfortable way two days ago triggered this memory to return.

Not once did I write about this in my book or on my blog. I think I have only told this to two or three people, and it was probably 10 years ago.

There are millions of memories in my past, just like this one, that I never speak of. I tell people about some of the other things that have happened to me, like that my father was an alcoholic, that I was sexually abused at the age of 6 by three older boys, that I was bullied in school, had reading/writing difficulties, had anorexia, was raped by two boys when I was 17, ran away from home, lived in an abusive relationship for almost two years, my mother died when I was 18, my father died a few years after that and much more.

I kept all these things a secret within me the first 20-something years of my life. Never told anyone what was happening to me. Now that I have begun sharing my story a little (I am 34 years old now) I realize there are so many more pieces in this puzzle, so many more events that I have kept hidden for so long.

It actually feels refreshing to get it out in the open and finally letting it go. I will no longer carry these heavy secrets within my heart, I will let them go and finally be free. ❀ Stay tuned for more memories that I will let go of – which I may choose to share, or not. In either case I will no longer keep them hidden within me, I will open my heart and set them free.

I will no longer sacrify my own wellbeing in order to be kind, polite and well-behaved. I refuse to fit in, I refuse to be ashamed, I refuse to feel guilty, I refuse to blame. Instead I embrace myself, trust myself, value myself, honor myself, support myself and love myself in the process of letting these memories go.

Thank you dear rascal for triggering this memory in me, thank you for inspiring me to once and for all stop being so bloody nice and start valuing and trusting my instinct. 🌹

Let each new moment bring value and benefit to all that you are β€

If you want to feel better, if you want to feel confident, happy, in love, empowered and free… then you have to do something about that.

You are always in charge of how you feel, not circumstances or other people – only you. You are the one who chooses how to view everything, and your perspective is what makes you feel the way you do. You can do something about your perspective.

Your life is your journey and everything that has happened to you can be of value to you if you let it.

Let each new moment bring value and benefit to all that you are, let all your experiences make you even more clear about who you want to be and what you want to experience. Start looking for value in everything and everyone, and begin with yourself. ❀

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