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Why would such a beautiful girl like me hate myself for over 30 years and have no self-esteem? Here is why:

I got such a brilliant question today and here is my answer:

I grew up with an alcoholic father and my parents mentally abused me. I was sexually abused when I was 6 years old by 3 older guys, I was bullied in school, had reading and writing difficulties, had no friends, developed anorexia (an eating disorder) when I was 9 years old, had no friends during my entire school years, was raped by two guys when I was 17, ran away from home two weeks after that because my father’s alcohol abuse was insane and my parents were so verbally mean to me, I ran straight into the arms of a guy who physically and mentally abused me for over two years until he was sentenced to prison for it. During this time my mother died. I had to go through the two trials all alone – I had no one. I was completely alone, no friends and no one in the world that I could talk to. I did not want to live anymore – I even tried to take my own life. Then my father died, I got pregnant and had to make an abortion…and the man of my dreams cheated on me and lied about it for over a year until the truth came out in the most painful way ever… somewhere there, around the age of 24, I decided that enough is enough and I chose to change my thinking. I started working on liking myself. I did it all by myself – I never told ANYONE about any of these things that happened to me in my childhood/teenage years. It was not until I was almost 30 years old I began talking about it.

So, I guess this answers your question on why such a beautiful girl like me, hated myself for almost 30 years and had absolutely no self-esteem 🤣❤

How you FEEL has nothing to do with the way you look. I had my desired, dream body, but I hated myself and had no self-esteem for almost 30 years. Beauty does not mean confidence. You cant see how you feel, it is 100% about your own thinking – and you CAN do something about that. If I could, all by myself, anyone can. 🌹❤

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You are my perfect soulmate

Hurtful actions comes from inner pain 🌹

The nightmare again, but some progress

Last night I had my usual nightmare – the same one I have had since I was a little baby. I am back at my childhood house, something very evil is coming after me to hurt and kill me. I am all alone, it is dark outside and my only escape is to lock myself in, in a room. But as usual all doors are open and unlockable so I cannot escape. The intense fear is the same, the scenario is exactly the same but now there is one big change that I have never experienced in my nightmare before: I consciously think, “Alright I already know all the doors are unlockable so I am not even going to try to lock them. However, I will open the door when it comes and I will kill it.” I look around for a weapon of some sort and prepare myself for the moment… then I wake up.

This is huge progress because over these 30 something years that I have had this nightmare I have always felt the fear and panic and put all my energy on trying to lock these unlockable doors, in vain. This is the first time I decided to do something more productive. It felt like I kind of made the best of the situation, accepted it for what it was and decided to make the best of it – do something that I could do. Even if the evil thing never reached me, I still feel a shift within this nightmare. I kind of look forward to next time, I will continue to do what I CAN do to face this and protect myself, no more trying to lock unlockable doors.

Why should I think good thoughts about those evil people?

The person that needs to do something is not that person. The person that needs to do something is you! Some of those people in your life do not deserve your good thoughts. In other words, “They are bad. They are evil. They are wrong! They are inappropriate. They do not deserve your good thoughts,” and you stubbornly are not going to give them any. They may not deserve your good thoughts. But you do. You deserve your good thoughts about them. This is what the Art of Allowing is. It’s allowing my own Well-being.”

Abraham Hicks

Love NEVER hurts

Love does not hurt – insecurity does, sadness does, anxiety does, anger does, jealousy does… but LOVE only feels good.

When you feel love you feel utter bliss. You feel happy, free and empowered. Anything less than that is not love. Even if you blame the other person for how much you are hurting, it is blame, sadness and those other negative emotions you feel. Not love. Love only feels good.

You might temporarily be tuned out of the frequency of love – that is why it feels so bad, because you LOVE to love and you WANT to love. And when conditions turn up that makes it hard for you to feel love in your heart, of course it will feel bad! But the negative feeling is never caused by love. Ever.

There is an even better way to love someone than most people are practicing: to love unconditionally. If you can truly master this you will not be so easily swept off into jealousy, insecurity, anger, sadness or any other negative emotion you might be very used to fall back into. You will have a stable centre of love, you will see through the eyes of love and you will see value in every situation. Maybe not all the time, but you will easily get back into your place of love when you fall off. Most importantly – you will never blame any one else for how you feel – you will realize that how you feel is your job. Love is an inside job just like happiness. ❤

The rascals are not the ones that bother you ❤

Remind yourself that you are in charge of your life. You are the one who is in charge of your perception of you. Others might not see you through eyes of love at all times, but you can!

When you let the actions and words of another bother you – see it as a gift. A gift that gives you the opportunity to refocus and recreate your emotional balance. See it as an opportunity to strenghten your unconditional, loving perception of you.

Someone who hurts you – a rare and precious treasure ❤

“To meet someone who really hurts you, is to meet a rare and precious treasure. Hold that person in high esteem, and make full use of the opportunity to eradicate your defects and make progress on the path. If you cannot yet feel love and compassion for those who treat you badly, it is a sign that your mind has not been fully transformed, and that you need to keep working on it with increased application.”

– Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche

❤ ❤ ❤

This is an interesting view on how to see your difficulties. Everything can be of value and everything can inspire you to become stronger as a person. You can find value in everything that happens to you – including the behaviour of others – especially those who treat you badly.

Those who love you and always approve of you and what you do don’t teach you to love unconditionally. They are just easy to appreciate and love because they act in loving ways. But those who behave in deterimental ways, they are your true inspirers and teachers of unconditional love and unconditional happiness. If you can find your way to love again and to feel happy again – even though they did this awful thing now you are free. You don’t need them to behave in ways that please you, in order to feel pleased. What an empowered gift! ❤❤❤

Even a small light in a dark room can make all the difference

There will always be those who disagree with you. There will always be those who dislike you and what you do. Let them.

Don’t meet fire with more fire, hate with more hate. That only fuels the negativity. Let it be.

Keep following what you believe is good. Keep honoring yourself and others by choosing love and compassion even though you are met with hate and criticism.

Someone has to slow the negative momentum, and it might as well be you. Even a small light in a dark room can make all the difference.

Even tragic events, like the deaths of loved ones, are of value ❤

My parents died a long time ago – it feels like it was in another life time – I am now stronger than ever and the most happiest I have ever been in my life. I see their death as something that inspired me to finally find my own balance and stability in life. It totally changed me – and I chose to let it change me for the better, eventually.

Everything happens for a reason, and everything can be of value – everything. It may not seem like it as it happens but if you allow yourself some time to find emotional relief, then you can slowly begin to see that this experience has brought you a gift – a gift that is very valuable. The gift of finding your emotional balance, unconditionally. Of feeling good, unconditionally. Of feeling love, unconditionally.

Even seemingly tragic events are of value and can make you stronger, more joyful, more loving, more empowered and can make you realise what a beautiful gift life.

Make the most of your life, your year, your month, your day, your hour, your moment. Be kinder to yourself and deliberately choose to enjoy life in ways that call you.

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