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Every breath I take gives me hope of a better tomorrow πŸ™

My heart is still beating for me. Life is still coursing through my veins. In the stillness of the night, when darkness embraces me and gives me comfort, when the entire world is resting, my every breath gives me hope of a better tomorrow.

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Only 5 weeks left πŸ™

I feel so safe and secure at home. I think I have been at home 3 weeks now, and there are only 5 weeks left of my summer break. I really, really, really don’t want to go back to the school building. Ever. I had a nightmare about the school building last night. I was in the assembly hall and I felt such panic there, I lost my ability to breathe properly. My heart was beating so loud as I desperately tried to breathe and get away from there. But I couldn’t.

I know it is all in my head now, no one will ever, ever get a chance to hurt me like that ever again. I know I love my job, I love helping my students and I have always felt so good about teaching. This is just temporary, I know it will pass. I will continue to enjoy my summer break and when it is time to go back to work, I will do so and it will be ok. In fact, it will be more than just ok – I will find my zest once again. πŸ™

An intense nightmare that turned out to be a valuable, clearing closure πŸ™

Tonight I had a very intense nightmare where I faced a part of what I feared the most right now. I was calm and felt strong as I faced these men. I didn’t let their threats frighten me, instead I pulled up a chair and sat down opposite of them and looked them straight in the eyes and said: “Do you have ANY idea what your friend did to me in that room? I don’t think so, because if you did, you would not threaten me. I will tell you exactly what he did to me during those 40 minutes that I was locked up in that room with him“. And they just nodded their heads and listened as I told them exactly what had happened.

I felt strong and secure as I told them. Every word gave me a flashback to the scenario but I told them everything, every detail. Then I woke up.

It was a nightmare but it felt like a closure to face them, to tell them exactly what happened and to see how their attitude towards me changed immediately. That was a clearing moment for me. πŸ™ So this was a nightmare I truly valued πŸ˜….

  • Have you ever had an intense nightmare that actually made you feel better in the end?

My soul is restless tonight

My soul is restless tonight, I feel a longing, a calling to go far away. Far away from this city, from this country, far away from all memories and haunted thoughts.

My body is restless yet exhausted to the brink of despair. My mind is crowded and too loud, I long for stillness, peace and quiet darkness.

Fuck those who laugh at your insecurities – they don’t know even 1% of what you have been through πŸ™

So far, you have survived the toughest days of your life, give yourself some credit and allow yourself the time you need to heal.

Not only were you sexually abused early on in life by multiple older boys when you were 6 years old, you had no self-esteem what so ever, you were bullied, you had eating disorders at the age of 9, you grew up in a home with alcoholic parents, you had reading and writing difficulties, you were sexually abused by two boys when you were 17 years old, you ran away from home a week after that straight into the arms of a man who put you through domestic violence for 1 1/2 years before there was a trial and he was sentenced to prison for it, you experienced the death of your parents, your dream man cheated on you, you had to make an abortion against your will and much morenot only did you go through all that during the first 24 years of your life, you managed to turn all that pain into your strenght. You managed not only to survive but to THRIVE because you chose to let it all inspire you to grow stronger.

So – fuck those who call you weak. Fuck those who laugh at your insecurities. They don’t know even 1% of what you have been through in your life, no one knows of your pain and how it shaped you. No one knows how you have struggled to rise up. πŸ™

When the uneasy feelings take over

This was supposed to be my last week at work before my summer break, however, since my babies have had chicken pox they are not allowed to come back to the day care center yet… so that means my summer break has officially begun now. I have been looking forward to getting away from the school building for quite some time now, so I should be relieved. But I am not. I am very uncomfortable and uneasy. My thoughts are constantly focused on what happened 9 months ago and especially on what will happen next year when this man who hurt me will be released from prison.

I keep telling myself that he will never dare to hurt me again, but I feel so uneasy about it. Every day that passes is a day closer to his release date. What if he has not given up his thoughts about me, what if he wants revenge? I couldn’t stop him last time, so how will I be able to stop him if he tries to hurt me again? This scares me so much. I just want to run away from this town, move far far away and never ever return. But do I really want to hide all my life? No. I will stay here, I will keep working at my job that I feel so passionate about. I will continue to live in my house and raise my children in this town. He cannot take that away from me. Yes, I am afraid butΒ it will not prevent me from living my life in ways that call me.

The fear I felt froze every inch of my body, but you didn’t even hesitate

I cared about you and yet you took my kindness and my trust and shattered it into millions of pieces.

Your arms and hands were so strong, I didn’t have a chance. The pain and all the bruises you left on my body were nothing compared to the utter powerlessness I felt when tried to pull your hands away from my body, when I looked into your eyes and I begged you to stop, when I said no and you just put your cold hand firmly over my mouth… Then you did exactly what I feared you would do.

My body froze and my heart was beating so loud. The fear I felt froze every inch of my body. But you didn’t even hesitate.

I can forgive everything and I don’t want to hurt you back – I just want to get away from that suffocating powerless feeling that haunts me every second of every fucking moment of every fucking day. The feeling that no matter how much I tried to get you to stop, you didn’t. You crushed my most sacred boundary.

My shattered heart will mend and my restless soul will find peace

The tears I have cried and the pain I have felt have shattered my heart and left my soul restless.

These scars are only temporary though, my heart will mend and my soul will find peace.

No matter what happens, you cannot break me, only bend me temporarily. I will rise stronger each time. My pain and insecurity will be my solid foundation on which I rebuild my strenght.

I no longer fear those awful Friday feelings – I embrace my insecurities

It is Thursday evening and I am already feeling uneasy about tomorrow. It is so silly really, I know no one will hurt me again, yet I get so uneasy simply because it is a Friday. My co-workers all leave early so after 12 o’clock I am the only teacher left in our hallway, as always.

I don’t know how to get passed these uneasy Friday feelings, other than just accepting them. I feel uneasy, worried and anxious about beeing at work tomorrow – and that is ok. I will no longer try to distract myself or ignore my feelings, I will do as I did last Friday: I will embrace my insecurities. I choose to feel these uneasy emotions and go to work, anyway. I will have my lessons, I will help my students and I will get through the 6 hours I have to be in the school building.

Then I will go home and later I will meet a friend in JΓΆnkΓΆping. It is going to be a nice Friday. πŸ™

  • Do you have something that makes you uneasy? Can you think of a way to help yourself embrace how you feel and get through it?

My voice will no longer tremble when I speak your name

Your desire for more was so intense, you just had to do it. You didn’t listen to me when I begged you to stop, my “no” was silenced by your strong hands.

You wanted more, you wanted it all and you tried to break me to get it and you tried to silence my voice.

My voice will no longer tremble when I speak your name. I am stronger than this – I forgive you and I set myself free. Free to enjoy life again, free to love my body again and free to believe in the goodness in everyone. Including you.

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