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My voice will no longer tremble when I speak your name

Your desire for more was so intense, you just had to do it. You didn’t listen to me when I begged you to stop, my “no” was silenced by your strong hands.

You wanted more, you wanted it all and you tried to break me to get it and you tried to silence my voice.

My voice will no longer tremble when I speak your name. I am stronger than this – I forgive you and I set myself free. Free to enjoy life again, free to love my body again and free to believe in the goodness in everyone. Including you.

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No more tears – kick ass this Friday 😊

I just woke up and it is Friday. I felt the uneasy feelings begin yesterday and right now I can feel insecurity and worry tremble within my body. A part of me wants to stay at home all day where it is safe and secure. But I know I have to face my insecurities again and again until they fade away and that is ok because it is part of the journey.

Before all this happened I used to love Fridays and I was always extra happy on those days – I intend to return to that. I am going to make peace with how I feel right now. I am going to focus on things I do like about today and remind myself that I am stronger than this. I am stronger because of this. I didn’t die. He didn’t break me, I have not lost my faith in the goodness in people. I forgive him, and I thank myself for getting through this. No matter how alone I was in this, I had my own support and I will continue to be here for me for as long as I shall live. No matter what happens.

There will be no tears this Friday, I will no longer pull away from my flashbacks – I will make peace with them and let them pass through my mind as just that – mere flashbacks. What ever comes my way – I will handle it. I am strong. I am forgiving. I believe in the goodness in all people. 🙏 Now I will get up and kick some ass this Friday (mentally 😂).

When you fall apart and want to give up 🙏

It is ok to fall apart, it is ok to give up, just keep breathing. One moment at a time. I know it feels hard sometimes, I know you just want to run away and hide from it all… and yes, that would be easier temporarily, but you can’t hide from your problems – you have to face them and you have to be there for yourself. Be your own support in these painful moments. Sooth and comfort yourself.

You are doing the best you can and that is enough. 🙏 Be kind to yourself, give yourself some mental rest by quieting your mind. Just focus on your breathing for a while and feel your every heart beat strenghten you again. This too shall pass and you will feel better again. 🙏

A temporary breakdown

I broke down completely today at work. At lunch time I became so sad and tears started flowing down my cheeks endlessly. There was no stopping it. I usually feel uneasy at work on Fridays but I usually handle it rather well. Not today. I actually felt so uneasy just being in the school building that I had to leave and I went straight home. I cried for over an hour when I got home but then I calmed down a little and began to feel a little relief. Just geting away from the school building helped.

Fridays are still tough for me, even though it has been almost 8 months since it happened. Sometimes I wonder if I should just move to another town, far away and start over. But, I love my job, I have wonderful bosses, kind co-workers and really awesome students. I have a nice big house and my two little babies like it here… I like it too, and I guess running away from this city will not stop all the flashbacks either. I will not give up. I am not weak, just temporarily off my balance. I will rise again.

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