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Sexually abused, raped, bullied… can you ever feel good again? Of course!!!

My father was an alcoholic, I was sexually abused by several older boys when I was 6 years old, I was bullied in school, had reading and writing difficulties, got anorexia when I was around 8-9 years old, was raped by two guys when I was 17, ran away from home two weeks after that, was physically and mentally abused for almost two years by my boyfriend (when I was 17-19 years old) and had to go to trial twice before he ended up in jail, my parents died, I had an abortion and the man of my dreams cheated on me. ๐Ÿ˜‚ need I go on?

I hated myself and life for almost 30 years before I began improving my thinking about me, about everyone that had ever hurt me and about life. I managed to turn my thinking around and today I feel nothing but appreciation for everyone that ever hurt me and everything that happened to me – because it all inspired me to become the woman I am today. Strong, free, happy, confident and empowered. If I can do it, anyone can.

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Because of all the pain and suffering – you can become the most confident, beautiful, happy and empowered person ever๐ŸŒน

It doesn’t matter what you have been through or how difficult your life might seem at the moment – you can let all of it inspire you to now become more confident, beautiful, happy, loving and empowered.

Easily said but is it really true? Is it possible? Of course it is! All it takes is a very, very small desire within you to feel better. That is all. If you have that wanting, no matter how slight, then you can do it. No matter what. It doesn’t matter if you have spent your entire life hating yourself and feeling like a powerless victim – you can become the most confident, blissful, beautiful and empowered person, now.

I grew up with an alcoholic father and my parents mentally abused me all through my childhood until they died – whether they ment to or not. I was sexually abused by three older boys when I was around 6 years old. I was bullied in school, I had reading and writing difficulties, I got anorexia when I was 9 years old, I was raped by two boys when I was 17. I ran away from home a few weeks after that, straight into the arms of an older guy who also had an alcohol addiction and who abused me physically and mentally for almost two years before there was a trial and he went to prison. During that time my mother died. I had no self-esteem what so ever and I absolutely hated myself, I felt like a powerless victim and even wanted to end my life. Then I got pregnant and had to make an abortion, the love of my life cheated on me and then my father died. ๐Ÿคฃ

Somewhere around that time – when I was 24 years old – I decided that enough is enough and I felt that I wanted to feel better about myself. So, I began improving my thinking about myself and everything else and little by little I blossomed into the most confident, happy and empowered woman I had always desired to me. As a bonus, I got a job I adored and still work at, got the boyfriend I desired, got huge pay raises, got pregnant twice and had my two little babies… but all of those things are just great bonuses – the most important thing is: I feel good about myself. If I could do it, anyone can. โค

Being nice and polite is not always right – a painful childhood memory

This is something I have never written about before, and only a few people know about this. When I was around 7 years old I loved taking my teddy bear (actually a panda) out for a walk in my red toy-stroller. My parents allowed me to walk around the block alone, which only took 5-10 minutes. One cold but sunny day when I was out doing this, all alone, a foreign man approached me. I guess he was around 45-50 years old, dark hair and tall. It all happened so quickly. He gestured toward me that he wanted me to come to him, and I wanted to be polite so I obeyed. When I was close to him everything about him changed, he quickly placed his hands on either side of my face and forced my face close to his and kissed me. I still remember his tongue pressing into my mouth and the strong minty flavour of his mouth. I panicked, I was trapped and I didn’t know what to do. No one was around, no one saw us. His car was just a few meters away and he grabbed my hand saing “come” and gently tried to pull me to his car. Somehow I managed to get my hand back, shook my head no and began walking very quickly in the direction of my home. He called after me, as I turned my head to look at him, he gave me a blow kiss in the air and he still gestured that he wanted me to come back to him. I soon began running and tears were streaming down my face. I told my mother what happened the minute I got home and she rushed out to our car and went to find this man. She never did. She went to the police but they never found him either.

In this situation I tried to be nice and polite. I stopped when he approached me and wanted to talk to me. I didn’t scream, kick or bite – I was too chocked and afraid to do anything.

๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒน ๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒน๐ŸŒน

The event that happened tonight with the old man who has begun stalking me and who approached me in an uncomfortable way two days ago triggered this memory to return.

Not once did I write about this in my book or on my blog. I think I have only told this to two or three people, and it was probably 10 years ago.

There are millions of memories in my past, just like this one, that I never speak of. I tell people about some of the other things that have happened to me, like that my father was an alcoholic, that I was sexually abused at the age of 6 by three older boys, that I was bullied in school, had reading/writing difficulties, had anorexia, was raped by two boys when I was 17, ran away from home, lived in an abusive relationship for almost two years, my mother died when I was 18, my father died a few years after that and much more.

I kept all these things a secret within me the first 20-something years of my life. Never told anyone what was happening to me. Now that I have begun sharing my story a little (I am 34 years old now) I realize there are so many more pieces in this puzzle, so many more events that I have kept hidden for so long.

It actually feels refreshing to get it out in the open and finally letting it go. I will no longer carry these heavy secrets within my heart, I will let them go and finally be free. โค Stay tuned for more memories that I will let go of – which I may choose to share, or not. In either case I will no longer keep them hidden within me, I will open my heart and set them free.

I will no longer sacrify my own wellbeing in order to be kind, polite and well-behaved. I refuse to fit in, I refuse to be ashamed, I refuse to feel guilty, I refuse to blame. Instead I embrace myself, trust myself, value myself, honor myself, support myself and love myself in the process of letting these memories go.

Thank you dear rascal for triggering this memory in me, thank you for inspiring me to once and for all stop being so bloody nice and start valuing and trusting my instinct. ๐ŸŒน

Why would such a beautiful girl like me hate myself for over 30 years and have no self-esteem? Here is why:

I got such a brilliant question today and here is my answer:

I grew up with an alcoholic father and my parents mentally abused me. I was sexually abused when I was 6 years old by 3 older guys, I was bullied in school, had reading and writing difficulties, had no friends, developed anorexia (an eating disorder) when I was 9 years old, had no friends during my entire school years, was raped by two guys when I was 17, ran away from home two weeks after that because my father’s alcohol abuse was insane and my parents were so verbally mean to me, I ran straight into the arms of a guy who physically and mentally abused me for over two years until he was sentenced to prison for it. During this time my mother died. I had to go through the two trials all alone – I had no one. I was completely alone, no friends and no one in the world that I could talk to. I did not want to live anymore – I even tried to take my own life. Then my father died, I got pregnant and had to make an abortion…and the man of my dreams cheated on me and lied about it for over a year until the truth came out in the most painful way ever… somewhere there, around the age of 24, I decided that enough is enough and I chose to change my thinking. I started working on liking myself. I did it all by myself – I never told ANYONE about any of these things that happened to me in my childhood/teenage years. It was not until I was almost 30 years old I began talking about it.

So, I guess this answers your question on why such a beautiful girl like me, hated myself for almost 30 years and had absolutely no self-esteem ๐Ÿคฃโค

How you FEEL has nothing to do with the way you look. I had my desired, dream body, but I hated myself and had no self-esteem for almost 30 years. Beauty does not mean confidence. You cant see how you feel, it is 100% about your own thinking – and you CAN do something about that. If I could, all by myself, anyone can. ๐ŸŒนโค

Always the same nightmare – what does it mean?

All my life I have had the same nightmare. Ever since I was a little girl. The place might be different, the danger might be different but the scenario is always the same. Something bad (which I have never seen) is after me and wants to hurt and kill me. My only escape is to lock a door between me and the bad thing that is coming. But it is impossible to lock the door, always. I do all the technical things just right – I lock the door in the perfect way you are supposed to. But as I check the door to see if it is locked – it never is. It always remains unlocked no matter what I do.

I had this nightmare again last night. This time I had bought a new house but the back door did not have a lock at all and the bathroom door was impossible to lock. Just like always. I wonder what this means? I have had these same nightmares for over 30 years now – for as long as I can remember.

I guess it goes back to all the worry and fear I had as a child. All the nights when I could not fall asleep because I was so afraid that my father (who was an alcoholic and walked in his sleep a lot) would try to get into my room. It was really scary to wake up and hear someone’s hands and fingers against my door – feeling for the handle – and then hear the handle slowly being pulled down and hear someone enter. I was usually so petrified I could not even make a sound, totally frozen.

It was not until I was a teenager that I got a key to my own door. But still, he would still walk in his sleep and I could still hear him trying to enter. It seems logical all these night mares come from these experiences. I only wish they would end. ๐Ÿ’–

Never give up! It is never too late, there is always hope โค

Today I did it. I told the story of my life – about all the difficulties I have been through and how I turned my life around – for a room full of co-workers. I was so nervous I was shaking as I began, but I managed brilliantly to tell the whole story without crying.

This is the first time I have told my whole story to more than just one or two people at the same time. Afterwards I felt so much relief. To finally be able to speak up for myself, to tell my story and share these dark moments that I have kept hidden within for over three decades now. So powerful.

Never give up. No matter what you have been through in your life or how difficult it might seem at the moment, you can feel good again because you can improve your thinking and therefore you can improve every aspect of your life. โค

Wake up, live life intentionally – like you love yourself!

I will be silenced no more. No more hiding the truth in order to protect my abusers. I left my insecurities a long time ago, I will never go back.

I will be silenced no more. No more protecting my abusers in order to sooth them. No more. I left all guilt and blame a long time ago.

I will be silenced no more. I will never again blame myself when someone tries to hurt me – I left my self-doubt and self-hatred a long time ago.

I will rise from the ashes, more free, more empowered, more confident, more at peace, more loving, more beautiful and stronger than ever before.

I will no longer bleed in silence. I will no longer cry in silence. I embrace all that I am – past, present and future – with love. I am ready. โค

I got an exciting assignment at work ๐Ÿ˜Š

Today I went back to work again, and one of my bosses asked me to do something really exciting: She wanted me to talk to all her teachers at a meeting next week. She wanted me to tell them my story, what I have been through and how I managed to turn my entire life around. How cool!

I really look forward to this! I feel so blessed to have such caring bosses that really value me and my talents. I feel so appreciated. ๐Ÿ’–

The one thing that hurt me the most and ripped me apart โค

It was not the sexual abuse, it was not the physical abuse, it was not the mental abuse, it was not the eating disorders, it was not the bullying, it was not the loneliness, it was not my alcoholic parents, it was not the deaths of my parents… or any of the other things that happened to me.

I was the one who let the opinions of others affect my opinion of me, which ripped me apart.

And I was the one who decided to start liking myself again.

No matter what – YOU – have all the power you will ever need within. โค

1800 followers!!! ๐Ÿ’–๐ŸŽ‰

Thank you, my dear readers! I just saw that 1800 people are following my blog and that I have over half a million views! This is awesome.

I am so passionate about sharing what works for me and how I turned my entire life around. It is such a beautiful bonus to see that so many people enjoy reading my posts as well. Thank you. ๐Ÿ’–

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