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Why would such a beautiful girl like me hate myself for over 30 years and have no self-esteem? Here is why:

I got such a brilliant question today and here is my answer:

I grew up with an alcoholic father and my parents mentally abused me. I was sexually abused when I was 6 years old by 3 older guys, I was bullied in school, had reading and writing difficulties, had no friends, developed anorexia (an eating disorder) when I was 9 years old, had no friends during my entire school years, was raped by two guys when I was 17, ran away from home two weeks after that because my father’s alcohol abuse was insane and my parents were so verbally mean to me, I ran straight into the arms of a guy who physically and mentally abused me for over two years until he was sentenced to prison for it. During this time my mother died. I had to go through the two trials all alone – I had no one. I was completely alone, no friends and no one in the world that I could talk to. I did not want to live anymore – I even tried to take my own life. Then my father died, I got pregnant and had to make an abortion…and the man of my dreams cheated on me and lied about it for over a year until the truth came out in the most painful way ever… somewhere there, around the age of 24, I decided that enough is enough and I chose to change my thinking. I started working on liking myself. I did it all by myself – I never told ANYONE about any of these things that happened to me in my childhood/teenage years. It was not until I was almost 30 years old I began talking about it.

So, I guess this answers your question on why such a beautiful girl like me, hated myself for almost 30 years and had absolutely no self-esteem ๐Ÿคฃโค

How you FEEL has nothing to do with the way you look. I had my desired, dream body, but I hated myself and had no self-esteem for almost 30 years. Beauty does not mean confidence. You cant see how you feel, it is 100% about your own thinking – and you CAN do something about that. If I could, all by myself, anyone can. ๐ŸŒนโค

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Always the same nightmare – what does it mean?

All my life I have had the same nightmare. Ever since I was a little girl. The place might be different, the danger might be different but the scenario is always the same. Something bad (which I have never seen) is after me and wants to hurt and kill me. My only escape is to lock a door between me and the bad thing that is coming. But it is impossible to lock the door, always. I do all the technical things just right – I lock the door in the perfect way you are supposed to. But as I check the door to see if it is locked – it never is. It always remains unlocked no matter what I do.

I had this nightmare again last night. This time I had bought a new house but the back door did not have a lock at all and the bathroom door was impossible to lock. Just like always. I wonder what this means? I have had these same nightmares for over 30 years now – for as long as I can remember.

I guess it goes back to all the worry and fear I had as a child. All the nights when I could not fall asleep because I was so afraid that my father (who was an alcoholic and walked in his sleep a lot) would try to get into my room. It was really scary to wake up and hear someone’s hands and fingers against my door – feeling for the handle – and then hear the handle slowly being pulled down and hear someone enter. I was usually so petrified I could not even make a sound, totally frozen.

It was not until I was a teenager that I got a key to my own door. But still, he would still walk in his sleep and I could still hear him trying to enter. It seems logical all these night mares come from these experiences. I only wish they would end. ๐Ÿ’–

Never give up! It is never too late, there is always hope โค

Today I did it. I told the story of my life – about all the difficulties I have been through and how I turned my life around – for a room full of co-workers. I was so nervous I was shaking as I began, but I managed brilliantly to tell the whole story without crying.

This is the first time I have told my whole story to more than just one or two people at the same time. Afterwards I felt so much relief. To finally be able to speak up for myself, to tell my story and share these dark moments that I have kept hidden within for over three decades now. So powerful.

Never give up. No matter what you have been through in your life or how difficult it might seem at the moment, you can feel good again because you can improve your thinking and therefore you can improve every aspect of your life. โค

Wake up, live life intentionally – like you love yourself!

I will be silenced no more. No more hiding the truth in order to protect my abusers. I left my insecurities a long time ago, I will never go back.

I will be silenced no more. No more protecting my abusers in order to sooth them. No more. I left all guilt and blame a long time ago.

I will be silenced no more. I will never again blame myself when someone tries to hurt me – I left my self-doubt and self-hatred a long time ago.

I will rise from the ashes, more free, more empowered, more confident, more at peace, more loving, more beautiful and stronger than ever before.

I will no longer bleed in silence. I will no longer cry in silence. I embrace all that I am – past, present and future – with love. I am ready. โค

I got an exciting assignment at work ๐Ÿ˜Š

Today I went back to work again, and one of my bosses asked me to do something really exciting: She wanted me to talk to all her teachers at a meeting next week. She wanted me to tell them my story, what I have been through and how I managed to turn my entire life around. How cool!

I really look forward to this! I feel so blessed to have such caring bosses that really value me and my talents. I feel so appreciated. ๐Ÿ’–

The one thing that hurt me the most and ripped me apart โค

It was not the sexual abuse, it was not the physical abuse, it was not the mental abuse, it was not the eating disorders, it was not the bullying, it was not the loneliness, it was not my alcoholic parents, it was not the deaths of my parents… or any of the other things that happened to me.

I was the one who let the opinions of others affect my opinion of me, which ripped me apart.

And I was the one who decided to start liking myself again.

No matter what – YOU – have all the power you will ever need within. โค

1800 followers!!! ๐Ÿ’–๐ŸŽ‰

Thank you, my dear readers! I just saw that 1800 people are following my blog and that I have over half a million views! This is awesome.

I am so passionate about sharing what works for me and how I turned my entire life around. It is such a beautiful bonus to see that so many people enjoy reading my posts as well. Thank you. ๐Ÿ’–

What do you say to yourself?

Listen to what you tell yourself. Most people are really cruel to themselves without even thinking about it. However, they would never say such cruel things to someone else they care about!

A good way to start changing this is to find a picture of yourself as a little boy/ little girl. Look into the eyes of this little one – what would you want to tell yourself?

Here is a picture of me as a little girl.

I would like to tell her that she is so loved and so adored. That it doesnt matter what others say to you or what they do – not even what your parents say or do – you are wonderful and loved unconditionally.

I would tell her to follow her bliss, to care about how she feels and seek ways to feel better. You don’t need others approval to feel good about yourself. Never let the disapproval of others bring you down – how they feel about you is all about them and their perspective.

Continue to be the happy, energetic, passionate and unique girl you truly are. You are cute, you are loving, you are caring and you are so valuable.

Life will always continue to get better for you, no matter how it temporarily might look. โค

How do you deal with your panic attacks and your anxiety?

Ever since I was a little girl I have had flashes of panic attacks and days filled with anxiety, sometimes several days in a row, every week. 

When I grew up I had no idea how to handle these awful, intense feelings and it resulted in a lot of anger and depression. Back then I also felt like a powerless victim to everything that happened to me… my alcoholic father, the bullying, my eating disorders, the sexual abuse, the physical abuse, the death of my parents… everything just added to my panic attacks and my anxiety.

It was not until I was 24 years old that I – completely on my own – began improving how I felt about myself and how I handled my mood swings. Little by little I began liking myself and I developed a strong, beautiful self esteem. 

From that point on everything in my life improved as well. I got a job I loved, met an amazing man and my self-esteem continued to grow stronger and stronger. It took time but I managed to go from feeling like a powerless victim to feeling like an empowered woman.

However, my panic attacks and my anxiety is still with me every week. Even though I have the body of my dreams, two little babies, a job I love and an amazing boyfriend… I am, however, better at soothing myself once I get hit with theses awful emotions, and I am an expert at hiding how I feel at work and so on… but the feelings are still as intense as when I was a little girl. 

Some days, like today, I feel no desire to continue living. It is so strange because the feelings are so intense and so real… but tomorrow they might be gone again. That gives me some relief, to know that this too shall pass. Until it passes I treat myself to a lot of delicious food and play a lot with my cute little babies.

How do you handle your panic attacks and your anxiety?

Fit mother of two ๐Ÿ‘

After having spent almost 3 decades hating myself and having no self-esteem what so ever, this feels like a breath of fresh air. I am loving my fit body! 

It feels so good to enjoy being who I choose to be. Finally I am in a point in my life where I like myself, my personality and everything about me. Such a freeing feeling. 

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